How Do You Overcome The Tendency To Settle For Less?

There is often the tendency to settle for less than you deserve simply because you feel you aren't worth more or you feel like you can't get anything better especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Unfortunately, I have found myself in this situation quite a number of times and even ended up regretting and wishing I never did some of these things in the first place.

Does that make me a bad person? Nope...it just shows that I am human and can be vulnerable sometimes. However, it also comes with the territory of being a single mum. Because of the various life pressures of wearing this hat there is the tendency to crave attention from the opposite sex sometimes at your own detriment when it is obvious that it won't end up in a good way.

However, what I have come to understand is sometimes we beat ourselves up over these slip-ups and wonder how we could have got caught up in such. I want to tell you to please STOP IT! No one has the manual on how to live life without making mistakes but knowing God and having a relationship with Him will make you understand that you can always have a fresh start BUT dwelling on regrets will not allow you move forward.

Regret can be a very hard road to tread and robs you of your happiness if you allow yourself get too hung up on it. In fact, it can lead to depression such that you find yourself crying all the time and just sad which can actually hinder positive things from happening to you because you continue to dwell on a past mistake or indiscretion.

In my walk and relationship with God, I have come to the point where I am no longer ashamed of what I have gone through or done in the past. I have decided to allow God help me use it to minister to other people and tell them how faithful God is if we can get ourselves to that point where we trust Him COMPLETELY come rain or shine!

It is not always easy to get to this point but like I always emphasize on this blog, take it one day at a time and gradually that shaky mindset will change and you will indeed be better off for it.

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Must You Be A Side Chic/Bae Because You Are Tired Of Being Single?

I saw this picture above and I could totally relate with it! The fact that you are a strong independent woman doesn't mean the door is closed to your emotions or feelings and it does overwhelm you from time to time especially when you see pictures of romance all around you or watch Telemundo or Zee World(shout out to Yash and Artie fans...Lol!) or nowadays even on social media

On a serious note though, these kind of feelings can actually put you in trouble if you are not careful. There is the tendency to become a side chic/bae to often time a married man. Oya stop rolling your eyes, you know I am being truthful.

I have said it countless times that I am not perfect and of course from time to time I make mistakes like every one of us but the ability to learn from such and not repeat it is what makes you a better person. Of course I have gone down this married man route a couple of times if you remember in one of my previous posts where I said I had a "girls gone wild experience"? Well the truth is you will ALWAYS be second best (that is if you are not 3rd, 4th or even 5th on his list of conquests)

There was a time I was in such a relationship and this particular guy who was on my BBM list will keep changing his DP with his wife's pictures and writing all sorts of soppy "you rock my world" bla bla bla and then will send private messages to me claiming love as well....abeg who is fooling who?

Now this is for the category of married men who have no issues with their wives how about the ones who have issues at home but tell you it is complicated and yet they keep going back home but you are their convenient package hidden in one corner?

The truth is you don't need any man that cannot proudly be seen publicly with you. You don't need a man that cannot publicly acknowledge you as being with him. Lets not deceive ourselves that understanding you claim to have will wear thin after a while. Maybe you started out being very considerate of madam at home but down the line when your emotions take over you sef will start wanting more time and attention and then fight will begin which might lead to the end of this 3rd wheel relationship and who is left in the cold? YOU!!

There is this unspoken mentality that a married man will take good care of you or be more understanding and all that but  if he cheated on his wife to be with you then he will also cheat on you to be with someone else and trust me you will not find it funny even though you sef dey cheat with him.

He makes me happy, he understands me, he is so good to me, he helps me....these are some of the excuses we make for ourselves to justify being someone's side chic either the person is married or in a relationship with someone else. Let us stop deceiving ourselves and remember we deserve the best. 

Stop allowing one man/woman hide you in a corner while they keep up appearances to the world that they are responsible people while you are the victim because you are either divorced, a single parent or even a mature single that thinks no one will ever want you.

I know being alone is not easy but even being in a relationship is also not easy because it takes a lot to make it work so why involve yourself in drama that will end up making you feel worse or affect your self esteem? May God continue to help us all and give us wisdom.

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Caught Between “If Its Meant To Be, It Will Be” And “If You Want It, Go Get It”

It is so easy to fall into a foul and depressed mood when you look around you and things seem not to be going the way you envisage.  

Being a single mum of 2 children, I must confess that God has been faithful  thus far even though sometimes like Oliver Twist, I always want more but then who doesn’t? even Dangote, the richest African man according to Forbes magazine, still works hard everyday to make more money despite being a billionaire already.

However, I am sometimes caught between “if its meant to be, it will be” and “if you want it, go get it”. This has been a timeless issue on my mind and then I remember the verse in the Bible that says it is God that blesses my hand to make wealth and that it is not of him that willeth or him that runneth but God that shows mercy.

So many things I have achieved in my life has never been because I lobbied for it or because I knew someone but rather because God made a way where there often seemed to be none. But then, I look around me and it seems like the people lobbying are actually getting ahead and then I start to wonder if I should go that route or not.

However, the truth is the few times I have tried to push or lobby for something, it has never been successful instead it ends out badly and then I feel bad about the whole thing and then God reminds me that He will NEVER share His Glory with any man.

From the beginning of this week, I got into a foul mood which made me feel depressed, cranky and I even started shouting at my kids unnecessarily and I had to caution myself.

Eventually, I took the matter to the only One who is always there when no one is, the One who knows me inside out and the One who created me in His own image, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, Jehovah Jireh, Nissi, Elohim and the only sufficient God that knows the end from the beginning and you know what He said?

The answer I got for all my worry, questions and self doubt was: “You are my daughter in whom I am well pleased” Wow! What an answer, I won’t say the doubts automatically disappeared (though they should right?) but I am more convinced than ever that I am where God wants me to be right at this moment and God does not have selective memory when it comes to my matter, He is still very mindful of me and if He can sort out a part of my life, he will definitely sort out every other part BUT in HIS own time.

I decided to share this today because I know so many of us go through this at one point or the other in our lives, please be rest assured that its only God that can make a way where there seems to be none. 

Worry never accomplishes anything but just makes you feel worse. So rather than rob yourself of peace, keep doing what you know how to do best with all your power and might, be faithful with that job, career or situation you think needs a change but in all of this keep praying to God to order your steps and direct your paths and He will lead you to where and what He wants you to be after all, He knows the beginning from the end and the end from the beginning.

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When You Realize Your Past Sometimes Interferes With Your Future!

I recently spoke to a guy I used to date when I was in the university many years ago and had a nostalgic feeling while talking to him. Today he is what you would call a Big Boy or celeb even, but the truth is at that time he was far from what he is now although the signs were there.

I had an initial urge to beat myself up over the fact that I let him go or more like I pushed him away at that time because I was afraid I won't have been able to cope with his fame which was already evident at that time coupled with the fact that he was so into me.

Hmnnn....I try to imagine what it would have been like if I did end up with him, but you know what? I honestly don't know for a fact. Would we have made it or not? Well its too late for all that 'had i known' now.

While speaking on the phone, we laughed over quite a lot of these past stuff. Is he married now? VERY MARRIED sef and nooo I am not thinking of wetin dey your mind...Lol! He is actually a very good friend and remains someone that I know can still have my back if push comes to shove although sometimes I think he can sometimes come across as arrogant, but then we all have our shortcomings.

Speaking with him made me go down a path of checking out the guys that actually were crazy about me when I was growing up. Well there were about 4 of them though I dated only 2 (darn it...am i being too open? Good that's the whole idea) Amazingly, I am still good friends with all of them and they are all married now.

However, one common thing about these 4 guys is the fact that they loved me to pieces and could do ANYTHING for me at that time. Infact one of them (the first one when I was 16) would drive all the way to my secondary school, FGGC Sagamu just to see me and used to send letters by Express mail (no social media then) every week to me. He was so besotted with me it scared me and I had to cut off all ties with him before it became an obsession.

In the midst of all this psycho analysis I have come to understand that I am actually not used to anybody loving me, Growing up, I had lived with so many family friends because my mum had to travel to work and take care of us. Unfortunately, most of them ill treated me in many ways I can't even mention here, so having anybody show me love was very strange to me.

Many people ask me why I eventually married my ex husband when I didn't love him like I said. The truth is, he didn't show me love and in a weird way, I saw that as acceptable. Infact the 1st time he hit me, it was in my house when I was pregnant and not even married to him! (Telemundo tinz lol) Shouldn't I have just run for my life? Nah...i still went ahead and resigned myself to a situation of unhappiness which in my warped thinking, was acceptable and I endured that verbal and physical abuse in silence for the next 7 years!

A lot of what we go through as adults start from our childhood which is why oyinbo's will tell you to go through therapy after a challenging period of your life. Its not to tell you you are crazy but more like to analyse what led you to that period in the first place.

Even now, I still find it hard letting anybody close whether male or female and when I do, it is usually people who end up taking advantage of me somehow. Like I always say, I am a work in progress and understanding the concept of God's love for me is what keeps me going even when I sometimes falter.

Fast forward to today, I now understand that people indeed come into our lives for a reason and a season. It is so easy to dwell on 'what ifs' but that will be a serious waste of time because for all you know the grass might not even be greener on the other side.

I know someone might be thinking what if it actually is greener? Well, it can only mean they are taking time to work at keeping it that way. My reason for going down this memory lane is to remind someone not to dwell on the past but move ahead knowing that as a child of God, EVERYTHING will work together for your good.....its just a matter of time!

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There Really Can Be Hope Despite The Odds If You Hold On To God

While its easy to give words of encouragement as regards getting married again after being a single mum, true life examples also go a long way in allaying fears which is what Sumbo Ajaba's story is doing for me hence my sharing it here.


Her story is even more juicy because she had 2 children for superstar Tuface Idibia who is known for having about 3 different baby mamas amidst so much drama and scandal.

Yesterday, I came across a picture of her at a surprise party held in her honor by her husband and nobody needs to tell you that she is really happy..

She is married to Pastor David Adeoye, General Overseer of Royalty Christian Centre who lost his first wife in 2011. They got married in 2013 and 2 years after, he is still very much in love with her and is not afraid to show it with this birthday message:

'Happy birthday to my Best Friend and Amiable Wife. You are a Gift from God to me. Thank you for being all you are to us. The Lord will continue to uphold and bless you. He'll take you to greater heights in ministry, business and life. 

Love from your 3 Hebrew Boyz.'

I won't lie, this lifted my spirit and gave me hope as well, I hope it encourages someone too.

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OMG...Its Been 5 Years Since I Left My Banking Career For The Unknown

Yup...this was me with my afarikorodo! Lol

Exactly 5 years ago, precisely 8th March 2010, I took a major decision that changed the course of my life forever.

I left a banking career and world that I knew, a career that had fed my family and I for 9 years. A career that gave me a brand new car and allowed me travel international shores.

I left this career for the unknown and truth be told if you ask my mum, she still believes someone manipulated me spiritually and made me leave my 'plenty and big woman career'(Lol)

Well, the first 2 years after I took that decision was the hardest of my 37 years on earth. Infact I won't wish that period on my enemy. 2010/2011 was so bad that as at 2011, my church, Fountain of Life Church, Ilupeju, had to pay my children's school fees for a whole year.

I won't lie, sometimes during that time, I had my moments of doubt as to taking that decision to leave my banking career. I had moments I wept until all I could do was just lie on the floor and ask God why me? I had moments of self doubt and moments when I felt I couldn't make it to the next day.

Fast forward to 2012 when a woman I never knew, the Managing Director of City Fm, Doja Allen, took a chance on me and gave me an opportunity in the media industry despite being a green horn and not even having the slightest idea what a radio career was.

I look back on those years now and I am still in awe that 5 years after leaving that banking career, God has kept me and is still keeping my children and I. Yes, the salary I earn now is a fraction of my former banking salary but I can boldly tell you that what I use it for now is way more than what I used to spend my former salary on.

The huge salary of that banking season was spent on so many frivolous things among which was just to show off to other people. But now, money is being spent on way more important and necessary things.

Besides all of these, I love what I do now and am always happy when I am on air speaking to people, informing them, entertaining them and adding value to them in one way or the other.

So to those that insulted me, laughed at me, gossiped about me and most especially to those that believed in me, prayed for me and stood by me, I say a big THANK YOU!!!!

I als0 implore people that might be at crossroads and wondering the way forward. Please commit it to God's hands and when He says MOVE just do it even when it doesn't seem to make sense.  

You can listen to me on City105.1Fm on the following days:

Saturdays (12.30 to 2pm)- The City Kids Show

Sundays (5-8pm)- The Singspiration Zone Show

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Living Single Podcast: Living Someone Else's Dream (Episode 9)

The Living Single Podcast is one that serves as a support system to every one going through various issues and experiences and I try to make you understand that you are not alone.

Everyone has their moments when they go through doubts and worries and as a single person, sometimes it might seem overwhelming.

I tell it as it is, no holds barred and I hope this will help to inspire and encourage people to always keep their heads up no matter what.

In this edition of the Living Single Podcast, I talk about how to avoid living someone else's dream as it can actually make you feel frustrated and unfulfilled.

Find out what I have to say by clicking the DOWNLOAD link here or below. Listen! Share, Enjoy and of course your feedback is always appreciated!!

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Living Single Podcast: At What Cost Are You In That Relationship? (Episode 8)

The truth is that everyone wants to be loved and often crave for that connection with another person in terms of a loving relationship.

Indeed, life itself is all about relationships and having someone to call your own is a natural feeling to have, but while some people do go ahead and meet their soulmate, others are not so lucky, but again such is life.

However, in the quest of finding your Mr or Mrs Right what are you willing to give up? In this edition of the Living Single Podcast, I ask the question, "at what cost are you in that relationship?" 

We need to get to that point in our lives, where we weigh the advantages and disadvantages of whatever we might be doing, be it a relationship or even a job or career to know if it really is WORTH IT afterall.

The Living Single Podcast is one that serves as a support system to every one going through various issues and experiences and I try to make you understand that you are not the only one going through such doubts and worries as a single person.  I tell it as it is, no holds barred and I hope this will help to inspire and encourage people to always keep their heads up no matter what.

Find out what I have to say by clicking the DOWNLOAD link below, Listen! Share, Enjoy and of course your feedback is always appreciated!!

DOWNLOAD

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Living Single Podcast: Taking That Bold Step In Your Life (Episode 7)

Are you at that point in your life when it seems like you are at crossroads and don't know what to do? For some it is deciding whether to go forward or backward, for others it is an outright turnaround but as always there is always that fear of taking that bold step.

That is what I talk about in this edition of the Living Single Podcast as it is a route I have been on in my life and I want to share my experience with you.

The Living Single Podcast is one that serves as a support system to every one going through various issues and experiences and I try to make you understand that you are not the only one going through doubts and worries as a single person.

In the Living Single Podcast, I tell it as it is, no holds barred and I hope this will help to inspire and encourage people to always keep their heads up no matter what.

Find out what I have to say, Download! Listen! Share and Enjoy!

DOWNLOAD

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Living Single Podcast: Define Your Relationship With The Opposite Sex (Episode 6)

You have been close friends with this guy/lady for a while, does that mean you are dating? NO!!! There is actually a need to define exactly what your relationship is.

The Living Single Podcast is one that serves as a support system to every one going through various issues. I share my various experiences to make you understand that you are not the only one going through doubts and worries as a single person.

These are issues many people go through in life even if some people pretend otherwise. In the Living Single Podcast, I tell it as it is, no holds barred and I hope this will help to inspire and encourage people to always keep their heads up no matter what.

In this edition, I talk about defining your relationship with the opposite sex. Too many people make assumptions especially in friendship with the opposite sex and end up getting hurt.

Find out what I have to say, Download! Listen! Share and Enjoy!

                            DOWNLOAD                                        

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Living Single Podcast: Are You Dating Someone Else's Boo/Bae? (Episode 5)

The Living Single Podcast is one that serves as a support system to every one going through various issues. I share my various experiences to make you understand that you are not the only one going through doubts and worries as a single person.

These are issues many people go through in life even if some people pretend otherwise. In the Living Single Podcasts, I tell it as it is, no holds barred and I hope this will help to inspire and encourage people to always keep their heads up no matter what.

In this edition, I talk about "Dating Someone Else's Boo/Bae" Are you caught up in this kind of situation and wondering what to do?

Find out what I have to say, Download! Listen! Share and Enjoy!

DOWNLOAD

Your feedback is always appreciated.

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Living Single Podcast: Must I Be In A Relationship? (Episode 4)

The Living Single Podcast is one that serves as a support system to every one going through various issues. I share my various experiences to make you understand that you are not the only one going through doubts and worries as a single person.

These are issues many people go through in life even if some people pretend otherwise. In the Living Single Podcasts, I tell it as it is, no holds barred and I hope this will help to inspire and encourage people to always keep their heads up no matter what.

In this edition, I talk about the million dollar question, 'Must I Be In A Relationship?'  Is it really compulsory to be in a relationship to be happy?

DOWNLOAD

Find out what I have to say, Download! Listen! Share and Enjoy!

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Living Single Podcast: Managing Expectations From Friends (Week 3)

The Living Single Podcast is one that serves as a support system to every one going through various issues. I share my various experiences to make you understand that you are not the only one going through doubts and worries as a single person.

These are issues many people go through in life even if some people pretend otherwise. In the Living Single Podcasts, I tell it as it is, no holds barred and I hope this will help to inspire and encourage people to always keep their heads up no matter what.

In this edition, I talk about the 'Unnecessary Expectation From Friends' which prepares you not to get disappointed when friends fail you in your time of need

So go ahead, Download! Listen!Share and Enjoy!

DOWNLOAD

And yes! your feedback is very much appreciated.

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Living Single Podcast: What Will People Say Syndrome (Episode 2)

 

                             

The Living Single Podcast is one that serves as a support system to every one going through various issues. I share my various experiences to make you understand that you are not the only one going through doubts and worries.

These are issues many people go through in life even if some people pretend otherwise. In the Living Single Podcasts, I tell it as it is, no holds barred and I hope this will help to inspire and encourage people to always keep their heads up no matter what.

In this edition, I talk about the 'What Will People Say Syndrome' which so has held so many people captive and made them do things that they ordinarily won't do. This needs to be stopped!!

So go ahead, Download! Listen!Share and Enjoy!

DOWNLOAD

And yes! your feedback is very much appreciated.

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My Birthday Gift To Everyone: Living Single Podcast (Maiden Edition)

Today has been very wonderful asides the fact that it is my birthday, the amount of love being shown me on various forms of social media, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and even telephone calls has been off the hook!!!

Infact my poor blackberry has crashed several times with the serious traffic of calls I have been getting. I am grateful to have you all be part of my life in one form or the other and the only way I can say thank you is to continue to add value to you in any way that I can hence this podcast.

This podcast has been a long time coming as I have been procrastinating but I decided to start it out today being my birth-date and I promise to improve upon subsequent editions. Titled Living Single, this podcast is to share from my personal experiences and encourage one or two people not to give up on relationship or life issues.

So please download, listen attentively, ponder on it and share with anyone that might need it.

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There Might Be A Story....Be Careful Before Making Assumptions About People

Everyday, Facebook sends me memories and pictures from as far back as 2010 and today was no exception but it brought on serious nostalgic memories and I am led to share it with you.

This was me this time 2011 proudly displaying my "soap market" at the church stand. I must have gotten there like 6.30am so I could get a great corner where more people will see me and buy my soap.

I had attended the church Vocational school earlier that year to learn soap making in a bid to make ends meet as office job was not forthcoming almost 2 years after leaving my financially rewarding bank job.

To the glory of God, I sold everything that day and made about N3,800 profit and I was rolling on the floor in gratitude to God because it had been a long time I had such an amount to myself and trust me I felt like a millionaire!

Fast forward to today, I remain grateful for where God has brought me and is still taking me even though I still have my down moments but the truth is even though I am not where I want to be, I am better than where I used to be cliche as it might sound.

Why am I sharing this? Just to let you know that everyone has got their story and you need to be careful before making wrong assumptions about people as you don't know where they are coming from.

Another reason is to remind someone that God is TOO FAITHFUL to fail you. Keep holding on, it might be tough but He will NEVER leave you utterly cast down! 

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Why Do People Look Down On Single Mums As Second Class Citizens?

A couple of days ago, someone insinuated that the only reason I got a particular official favor was because I am a single mum and that it was done based on sentiment and not merit.

This really upset me because I have NEVER in my life acted like a victim and I NEVER will. Yes, things haven’t been easy and sometimes I barely have enough to tide myself and my kids over BUT one thing I can boldly say is that I have NEVER had to beg or compromise myself for money or favor.

But then again who doesn't have those kind of moments when things sometimes don't go as you expect them to and sometimes you are just flat out broke? Does that then make you less of a human being ?

My take on life is that I don’t lobby for favors and if God won’t give me something then its not worth having. But then, it seems to be a general consensus that a single mum is less than a normal human being and should be pitied or even taken advantage of. Why is that so? Can't I earn my way up in life through my hardwork and the value I add wherever I find myself? Truth be told, the single mum is actually even stronger than most people because she is having to deal with issues meant for 2 people alone so why add more to her plate by making her feel less worthy?

A woman can become a single mum either because she had a child outside wedlock or she was married and lost her husband due to abandonment, separation, divorce or outright death. I have also come across so many women who are married but really living the life of a single mum because they more or less are financially responsible for the household as their husbands are PRESENT but not AVAILABLE. 

What do I mean? yes their husbands are physically around them but when it comes to important family issues they are just not a part of it.

This might be due to so many reasons like infidelity; the man has another woman he is committed to outside of the marriage, financial woes; the man just cannot afford to do anything around the house thus the burden falls on the wife, indifference; the man is just in the marriage to keep up appearances and is not interested in what goes on in the home thus the woman bears the burden of making it seem like all is well, too busy; he is very busy trying to make ends meet for the family and is barely at home so the job of running the home and raising the children lies on the woman. 

There are many other reasons but I will stop here because I know you already get the picture. So why am I going on this way? I am trying to change a wrong mindset and perception about who a single mum is and what she needs.

The reality is that the real meaning of trying to help is being lost because the supposed help is making people see themselves as being a savior or superior being of sorts helping victims. Unfortunately, pride and arrogance creeps into the situation and it comes across in a condescending way and this ends up doing more harm than good.

If you want to help a single mum in need, please show your confidence in their ability to get out of that unfortunate situation they find themselves and show them RESPECT while you are at it. Afterall, time and chance happeneth to all men and you never can tell what will happen to you tomorrow as life is always filled with curves and bumps. 

If you are a single mum, my advice to you is that there is dignity in labor. No matter how menial you might think the job is, please do it rather than beg or compromise yourself just to make ends meet. In the period I was jobless, I did all sorts including tack buttons on uniform shirts for a token, learnt how to make liquid soap, disinfectant & insecticide to sell. Infact just yesterday, my daughter was reminding me that I went to learn how to make burger, shawama and chapman at a point in time, I had even forgotten!

What am I trying to say? in the midst of doing all of these things, I didn't lose sight of the fact that I still want to impact lives positively in any way I can via the media and to the glory of God here I am today. So if anyone still thinks I am having it easy and being given favors because I am a single mum, please come let us exchange lives for a while and see how easy it is to worry about school fees, raising children, giving them treats or telling them you can't afford to, paying house rent, car maintenance, generator maintenance, electrical issues at home, second guessing myself on decisions, job issues, psychological issues, self esteem issues, sexual issues, being an ambassador of Christ, and still trying to be sane in the midst of all these!

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