Friday, 11 December 2015

When You Realize Your Past Sometimes Interferes With Your Future!

I recently spoke to a guy I used to date when I was in the university many years ago and had a nostalgic feeling while talking to him. Today he is what you would call a Big Boy or celeb even, but the truth is at that time he was far from what he is now although the signs were there.

I had an initial urge to beat myself up over the fact that I let him go or more like I pushed him away at that time because I was afraid I won't have been able to cope with his fame which was already evident at that time coupled with the fact that he was so into me.

Hmnnn....I try to imagine what it would have been like if I did end up with him, but you know what? I honestly don't know for a fact. Would we have made it or not? Well its too late for all that 'had i known' now.

While speaking on the phone, we laughed over quite a lot of these past stuff. Is he married now? VERY MARRIED sef and nooo I am not thinking of wetin dey your mind...Lol! He is actually a very good friend and remains someone that I know can still have my back if push comes to shove although sometimes I think he can sometimes come across as arrogant, but then we all have our shortcomings.

Speaking with him made me go down a path of checking out the guys that actually were crazy about me when I was growing up. Well there were about 4 of them though I dated only 2 (darn i being too open? Good that's the whole idea) Amazingly, I am still good friends with all of them and they are all married now.

However, one common thing about these 4 guys is the fact that they loved me to pieces and could do ANYTHING for me at that time. Infact one of them (the first one when I was 16) would drive all the way to my secondary school, FGGC Sagamu just to see me and used to send letters by Express mail (no social media then) every week to me. He was so besotted with me it scared me and I had to cut off all ties with him before it became an obsession.

In the midst of all this psycho analysis I have come to understand that I am actually not used to anybody loving me, Growing up, I had lived with so many family friends because my mum had to travel to work and take care of us. Unfortunately, most of them ill treated me in many ways I can't even mention here, so having anybody show me love was very strange to me.

Many people ask me why I eventually married my ex husband when I didn't love him like I said. The truth is, he didn't show me love and in a weird way, I saw that as acceptable. Infact the 1st time he hit me, it was in my house when I was pregnant and not even married to him! (Telemundo tinz lol) Shouldn't I have just run for my life? Nah...i still went ahead and resigned myself to a situation of unhappiness which in my warped thinking, was acceptable and I endured that verbal and physical abuse in silence for the next 7 years!

A lot of what we go through as adults start from our childhood which is why oyinbo's will tell you to go through therapy after a challenging period of your life. Its not to tell you you are crazy but more like to analyse what led you to that period in the first place.

Even now, I still find it hard letting anybody close whether male or female and when I do, it is usually people who end up taking advantage of me somehow. Like I always say, I am a work in progress and understanding the concept of God's love for me is what keeps me going even when I sometimes falter.

Fast forward to today, I now understand that people indeed come into our lives for a reason and a season. It is so easy to dwell on 'what ifs' but that will be a serious waste of time because for all you know the grass might not even be greener on the other side.

I know someone might be thinking what if it actually is greener? Well, it can only mean they are taking time to work at keeping it that way. My reason for going down this memory lane is to remind someone not to dwell on the past but move ahead knowing that as a child of God, EVERYTHING will work together for your good.....its just a matter of time!


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