Friday, 28 August 2015

Beyond Living As A Single Mum...Approach With Caution!

A few days ago one of my close friends called me to say she wasn't comfortable about one of the articles I wrote here. Precisely the one asking about who a responsible father really is (...Read Here). According to her, she felt it was too personal and I didn't need to have shared it publicly.

I took time to explain to her my objective for this blog and I want to re-iterate it here again for the benefit of other people that might have such reservations. is not about bashing men or making my ex husband look bad. It is also not to encourage any married woman to leave her marriage and walk this path. Infact so many of such mails I have got thus far via will testify to the fact that I always encourage women to work out issues and stay in their marriages.

The only reason I can suggest a woman leave her marriage is if physical abuse,violence or spiritual matters is involved and that is so that it doesn't end in death for either of the parties involved.

I am not an expert on life issues and I just take each day as it comes. Sometimes I make mistakes and other times, I get it right but my main aim with this blog is to make people understand challenges that many single mums go through. It is also to make people realize that life issues happen to us all in various ways but before you think it is peculiar to only you, understand that it is a very wicked world we live in and that horrible situation of yours might just be the tip of the iceberg for others. Infact it is where your own pain ends that someone else's own is just starting.

I wrote a post yesterday of how I coldly reacted to a friend of mine every time she reached out to me (if you missed the post click here) At that time I was going through a lot of pain and sorrow but was keeping it all to myself and many people didn't understand my reaction. Unfortunately, she was even going through worse health-wise but I never knew until she died a few days ago! Maybe if I had shared stuff like I am doing now, things might have ended up differently as most times we allow things overwhelm us simply because we often think we are the only ones with issues or problems in the world.

Trust me, I was a wonderful actress in keeping up appearances and when I finally left my marriage, some of my former colleagues in the bank where I worked couldn't believe it because they thought I had the perfect home. In fact there were times I go to work so miserable because of the situation I found myself but when I get to the office I would pretend like my hubby and I just had the most wonderful early morning sex or quickie. Some of my married colleagues used to even share their marital problems with me and I will give them useful advice that actually worked for them...imagine that?

Is it a good thing to be a single mum? Heck no! Is it a good thing to be separated or divorced? Lailai! Was I a great wife? For where? Was my ex husband a horrible person? Well, horrible has shades of meaning to different people. For all I know, he might have been a better husband to someone else but our union was a NO! NO! and we just ended up hurting ourselves and the innocent children we brought into the world.

When I initially left my marriage,  I was so bitter about him I used to spend all my prayer points at that time asking God to deal with him. I couldn't even stand hearing his name but guess what? My own life never seemed to move forward until one of my few close friends called me one day to tell me God said I should forgive and pray for him instead because the bitterness in me was obstructing my blessings!

Kai! That was and continues to be the hardest prayer point of my life and it took me some time to actually do it (even though I still struggle with it atimes...) However, I can testify that it was when I eventually forgave him in my heart that doors opened for me. It was then I could think of forging ahead and drop the self pity attitude in me. Coincidentally, when I dropped that bitterness, I got the job I am presently doing now which I find so much joy in.

Like I told my friend when she called me, what I write on this blog is not even one tenth of some of the challenges I faced and I am not even talking about the physical, verbal and emotional abuse. Many things I have chosen to forget because of sanity sake and I thank God every time that I never ended up as a psychiatric case. This has led me to even have amnesia issues because that was my way of coping and moving ahead in life by deliberately forgetting things. It also left me on the defensive for so long with a huge mistrust of people both male and female which has cost me some great opportunities.

But whether I like it or not despite our questionable history together, our children connect us for life so making my ex husband look bad is actually not going to make my own life better in anyway.

The only constant thing in my life journey has been God. His Grace has kept and is still keeping me. If I could turn back the hands of time maybe I might have done some things differently before and during my marriage but regrets are over and now it is all about forward ever backward never.

My major prayer point for my ex hubby is for him to be a good and responsible father to his children and like I mentioned in one of the posts on this blog, it is a work in progress. He has gone from not doing anything financially to now gradually doing something even if it is not as regular as it should be. But I know in his heart he loves his children even if in my own opinion showing it more in action and deed will go a longer way. like the name connotes, remains my journal of sorts where I will say it as it is with no holds barred and I hope one or two people will find something useful to pick in the midst of my writings as I refuse to keep up appearances and be hypocritical. 

Amazingly, a lady who read my post about the responsible father sent me an email to tell me about the financial issue she had with her ex husband when they first separated but she filed a case at the Social Welfare office and he now gives herself and their children a regular allowance. I never even knew there was such a thing like that in this Lagos! 

However, one thing you can be sure of with this blog is my sincerity and openness. I will never paint an holier than thou image here and actually be the opposite behind closed doors as pretense has never been one of my strong points. I will say it as it is and allow you form your own opinions and who knows, it might even be how NOT to be like ME...Lol!

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