Wednesday, 13 April 2022

Why Women Don't Leave Domestic Abusive Marriages



Since the news broke of the death of Gospel singer, Osinachi Nwachukwu, I have been seeing the above question in the comment sections of so many different social media pages and being a victim of domestic abuse myself, I want to let you know that the answer to that question is....IT IS NOT THAT EASY TO LEAVE!!



Yes, I am shouting that hence the capital letters because it is never as cut and dried or easy as many people think to leave such a situation. I stayed in my marriage for 7 years despite the abuse starting from year 1! Of course I knew it was not a right situation to be in, but so many reasons made me stay that long, first off being, ''what would you say?'' Exactly! the fear of what people will say was a major factor coupled with fear and shame which still balled down to the impression and perception of what people will think about me. I will not even get into the stigma and attitude from some of the church members I used to attend at that time.





I also wanted to live up to the Nigerian societal expectation of being a married woman as this expectation is one that makes it seem like being married is the highest accomplishment you can ever have as a woman and if you fail at it, then you have failed in life, which is an absolute lie! Don't get me wrong, being happily married is a good thing (emphasis on 'HAPPILY'), but it is NOT the only good thing you can achieve as a woman. You can fail as a wife but try not to fail as a woman or as a mother and that is what I have come to learn over the years in the course of my healing from the trauma of a broken marriage. These days I focus on improving myself as a human being, a woman and as a mother to my children from that broken marriage.



Unfortunately, even till now, the stigma still remains and most times, hypocritical as it may seem, it is usually women like myself that make me feel bad about leaving my marriage or being divorced. 



What I eventually even found out is that some women still in their marriages are also going through different forms of abuse but have decided to stay in there come rain or shine all in the name of making it work by fire by force or due to religious reasons. I even know someone who has decided to stay in an abusive marriage because most of the women in her family had broken homes and according to her, she didn't want to be one of them.



Meanwhile, abuse comes in many forms and in my own case it was both verbal and physical abuse which stole my self confidence and made me a shadow of my former self. When you have someone always talking down at you, insulting you and shouting at you all the time, it does a huge damage to you as a person asides the punches and beatings. So if you see me dancing and being so playful all over social media, I hope you now understand why? In the course of that marriage, I became so withdrawn and was living with fear which was due to the incessant fights, threats and beatings. When I couldn't bear it any longer and realized my life kept flashing in front of my eyes and I developed health issues like high blood pressure in the process, I knew I had to leave. This was coupled with the fact that my children were being exposed to this toxic environment and thinking that was the normal way of life.



Meanwhile, it has been 13 years since I took that decision that came with a lot of fear and anxiety and I will be honest with you it was a very tough decision to take because I was a mess physically, financially and emotionally. That marriage took a huge toll on me and left me broken and very bitter. However, over the years I painfully went through healing spiritually and psychologically which led to me even becoming a certified life coach though not a practicing one, but the things I learnt in that process helped me a whole lot and made me become who I am today.



On the religious aspect which is what so many women keep clinging to as their reason for holding on, I left my marriage but God didn't leave me, I am divorced from my ex-hubby but God did not divorce me! Lets stop making it seem as if  God casts you away because you left a bad marriage. After all, even the same Bible says that there is no husband or wife in heaven(Matthew 22:30)



Another thing is that hurt people go ahead to hurt other people so sometimes even the abuser doesn't even know better and sees it as a normal way of life or even expression of love due to what he or she might have been exposed to either in their childhood or formative years. So it is really a whole lot deeper than the slaps, punches or kicks but at the end of the day it is still better to LEAVE to LIVE and allow that person seek treatment through therapy and prayers and NOT only prayers as some people keep harping on.

                                              

However, no matter the reason, let us as humans also be more accommodating and tolerant of women in such situations who have to leave their marriages. Stop judging them with looks or actions! If you don't want to leave such a situation, don't harass or castigate someone else who has taken the courage to leave. 

                                         


May the soul of Osinachi and other women who have died in such situations rest in peace and may God give those still in such situations the grace, strength and support they need to make the right decision.

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Monday, 4 April 2022

Some Beautiful Pictures From Tiffany Haddish To Brighten Your Day



Its only just right that I share beautiful pictures to brighten up your day after my last post just so you know some people actually took time to pay attention to what they wore for the just concluded Grammy Awards ceremony.



While Justin Bieber obviously wasn't too bothered with his outfit, American comedienne and actress, Tiffany Haddish, definitely brought her A-game on with this killer outfit! It was so on point I had to post it up here as it got me zooming in to see the details.



Funny enough, I am not big on fashion but when I see something that catches my attention, I do like to share. Are you feeling this outfit? Was it a yes for you and on a scale of 1-10 what would you give it?


Pic Credit: Tiffany Haddish IG 

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Justin Bieber, What Manner Of Dressing Is This?



I was just strolling the streets of Instagram trying to take my mind off the many assignments before me when I stumbled across Justin Bieber's outfit to the Grammy Awards Ceremony which held last night and all I want to ask is why? Or could it be that this is a new fashion statement? What do you think?

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Right or Wrong? Will Smith's Slap At The Oscars Still An Issue

Pic Credit: Africa News

Its been a week now since the Oscars and American actor Will Smith continues to trend unfortunately not because of the iconic Oscar award he won for Best Actor but because of him slapping Chris Rock the comedian host of the day. Due to this, so many people have aired their various opinions on this 'violent' action from Will with some people even psychoanalyzing him, some supporting him and some, out rightly condemning him.


Personally, I chose not to be quick to condemn him because the truth is that YOU ARE NOT IN HIS SHOES and YOU DONT KNOW WHY HE DID IT. It is so easy to make assumptions or cast aspersions about people based on what you think you know about them. However, the truth is that if the roles are reversed, you might not have acted any better.



I remember before I got married 20 years ago when I used to gist with my friends about our reactions to domestic violence. One of us was dating a guy who used to hit her and when we heard about it we were all blowing hot on her behalf. I specifically remember saying that if a guy ever hit me that was the end! In fact my specific words were "after the first slap he gives me, he would never ever see me again to give another one"


Well, guess who went on to be slapped and hit multiple times before and during the course of a 7 year marriage? Me, myself and I!


Honestly, if you know better, you would do better but then what is the correct interpretation of better? To some, Will Smith did better by slapping Chris Rock in defense of his wife, Jada Pinkett. To others, he could have done better by NOT slapping the comedian.


Whichever side you are on, YOU  just might be right based on your interpretation of what you saw or what you think you know. But then, a lot of things happen as a result of what we don't see or know. I do agree that violence is NEVER the answer but violence can be in other forms asides physical. Chris Rock's seemingly innocent funny jab at Jada came across to Will as a "violent" jab and he retaliated with a physical violent slap!


It could have been the case of the final straw that broke the camel's back as the Smiths have been insulted and dragged on social media for a while now due to their open marriage and cheating allegations. All of these might just have been brewing underneath but sadly, Chris Rock's seemingly innocent joke was the final trigger that set Will off. Nevertheless, let us be mindful of the fact that things are not always what they seem and one needs to be careful in judging based on what you see. I guess that's why even the Bible says thou shalt not judge because you never truly have the full picture except you set out to investigate both sides of the story.




To further buttress this point, another unfortunate incident happened in Nigeria last week where an Abuja-Kaduna bound train was blown up by bandits, one of the passengers on board, Dr Chinelo put out a tweet that she was shot and that people should pray for her. Guess what? The same people she tweeted at started responding with cryptic messages of how can she be tweeting when shot, bla! bla!bla! Well, she died and her pictures started flooding the same social media with RIP. Some of the people who initially insulted her now said they were sorry they didn't know....hmnnnn


                           


Let's not be hasty in pointing fingers or apportioning blame on people because you think you know what's up with them especially on social media. This also goes for celebrities both home and abroad. Remember they are human too and actually go through a lot more than you can even think and they are NOT superhumans. They are human just like you and I but the nature of their jobs put them in public glare more often. Unfortunately, this makes people place them on pedestals and when they fall short, we are quick to condemn them. Will Smith has gone ahead to issue a public apology to Chris Rock over the incident and has also resigned from the Academy.





Lets learn to cut people some slack with the mindset that you are not in their shoes and don't know where its really pinching them. Its okay to have your opinion on things but be mindful of the fact that your opinion might not necessarily match with the reality of events, so don't go waging war online trying to prove yourself right or wrong.


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Why You Should Be Happy For The Month Of April



We have officially kicked off the second quarter of the year and 2022 is gradually moving ahead. While you are wondering how it seems like the months have gone by so fast, don't get caught up in what you should have achieved by now.

Stop allowing other people's achievements make you feel less of a success. Remember that time and chance happens to everyone and you are running your own race not theirs. So continue to be grateful to God for any day He gives you grace to see and appreciate where you are as you look forward to where you want to be.

Cheers to the month of April and the new quarter, may it be a favorable one for you!

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Tuesday, 22 March 2022

Check Out My Soap Making Days



Every time I see pictures from way back that bring on serious nostalgic memories, I love to share to inspire and encourage one more person to keep holding on to God. Interestingly my previous blogpost today was about reminding people of where I am coming from in my life journey, so seeing this picture was kind of like another reminder and confirmation. This was me in 2011 proudly displaying my " liquid soap market" at the church stand. I must have gotten there like 6.00am so I could get a great corner in front of the church where more people will see me and buy my soap after service.


Few months prior, I had attended the church Vocational school earlier that year to learn soap making in a bid to make ends meet as getting an office job was not forthcoming after leaving my financially rewarding bank job and I was a single mum with 2 children depending on me to survive. I eventually learnt how to make this liquid soap and was always 'hawking' it everywhere to sell. To be honest with you, the profit margin was really small but ''at all at all na im bad pass..Lol!''



This very day in the picture, my church organised a sales exhibition so church members could also patronize us (shout out to the Fountain of Life Church, Ilupeju!) To the glory of God, I sold everything that day and made about N3,800 profit and I was rolling on the floor in gratitude to God because it had been a long time I had such an amount to myself and trust me I felt like a millionaire! That week, my children ate correct food contrary to the concoction we had been eating due to lack of funds.


Fast forward to today, I remain grateful for where God has brought me and is taking me even though I still have my down moments but the truth is even though I am not where I want to be, I am better than where I used to be, cliché as it might sound.



Why am I sharing this? Just to let you know that everyone has got their story and you need to be careful before making wrong assumptions about people as you don't know where they are coming from. Another reason is to remind someone that God is TOO FAITHFUL to fail you. Keep holding on, it might be tough but He will NEVER leave you utterly cast down! 



Lest I forget, another takeaway is that, whatever your hand findeth to do, do it with all diligence and humility because God is watching and will reward you in due course. There is dignity in labor so don't ever feel ashamed in your hustling to make ends meet. The people you think will laugh at you are not ready to help you o....even if they help once in a while, they can't do it FOREVER! So do your best with whatever hand fate deals you and allow God do the rest.



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Let Me Remind You Where I Am Coming From



In recent times I have had so many people reach out to me to say how lucky I am to now be in the UK and while I am super grateful to God for this opportunity, I also want to remind people of how this has been a long journey of ups and downs with plenty pain, tears and fears in between. Social media life has made many people focus on what they see forgetting that there is a lot of behind the scenes that NEVER makes it to the ''gram''. I used to be a very, very, very, very, broken and bitter woman!


This is why I painstakingly take time to write about deep and vulnerable things right here on this blog so that you can have an idea of the bigger picture. So, if you ask me something and I say go and read it on my blog, kindly do not get offended because the truth is that I actually express myself better in writing and truth be told, that is why I started this blog since 2015 as a personal journal of sorts that people can always read and get information,inspiration and motivation from.



It is so easy to read some recent posts and feel like ''this one is being proud or doing shakara because she is now in the ''harbroad''...hmnnn, that will be so wrong because recent posts are actually a continuation of my life events as they unfold so people can understand that despite the challenges you might face in life, God will come through for you even if it takes some time. I have actually written so much here than I can ever say to you in a chat if you reach out to me for questions. I even address some questions you might be planning to ask me that I might not be able to reply to because I am practically an open book on this blog.


I have gone from grace to grass such that in 2011 I even contemplated suicide because I practically had nothing to feed my children with and nobody was there to help me. It was as if struggle, pain and shame became my lifestyle and I thought God had forgotten about me. I was practically living hand to mouth and I shared all of that on this same blog and you can click on this link to read HERE. From tacking buttons at a friend's fashion shop, to selling liquid soap, selling cream, costume jewelry and even serving refreshments all in a bid to survive after leaving a 7 year domestic abusive marriage. I also went through serious emotional and psychological issues from the death of one of my children, having friends betray me, having people say bad things about me, eventual joblessness, loneliness, debts, heartbreaks, embarrassment, insults, being taken for granted and so many other terrible things I have chosen to forget because of the anxiety I have when I remember them.



Even when I started the second phase of my career life after being a banker and I joined the media as a radio presenter, I also went through another trying season which I also wrote about on this same blog. it was definitely not a rosy journey contrary to some people thinking oh, she is now feeling like a celebrity...Lol! If only you knew wetin eye don see. Nevertheless, the grace and mercy of God is what doesn't make us look like what we go through which is why I blatantly say it for all to hear that...BUT FOR GOD!


It has been and continues to be a journey of trusting God and taking it one day at a time, so if I post up about this phase of my life it is definitely not to show off but to encourage anyone who might find themselves in such a situation to keep trusting and holding on to God. I continue to live my truth and share my personal stories because I know many people hide their vulnerabilities either because they don't want people to laugh at them or the fear of what will people say.



However, I have chosen to live my truth and help others live theirs too by sharing the ups and downs I go through as a child of God trying to navigate this journey called life especially as a single mum without any support but from God. Eventually, God will use people to answer your prayers but NEVER the people you focus on or you think will come through. It will be people you never expect or people that don't even owe you anything because that is when God's name is glorified.


Another thing you must know is that time and chance happens to everyone of us and we will all have times when things might seem very overwhelming and then you will have times of ease as well. Personally and with what I have gone through over the years, I have decided to praise God in all the situations I find myself. In fact when you see me dancing or posting up fine pictures or videos is usually when I am going through very major challenges but because I know that God continues to be involved in the journey of my life, I still put on a face of praise and hope as I remain optimistic. At the end of the day, even if I put up pictures or videos of me suffering or crying, it is still God that will send helpers my way and not necessarily because of the things I post up.



My posts on either social media or on this blog continue to be geared towards inspiration, motivation and me being real with stuff I go through. Glory to God for this phase I am currently in but trust me it also has its super unique challenges that if I share you will open your mouth in wonder. But like I always say, take life one day at a time knowing that some days will be tougher than others. So those tough days I cry and talk to God and those pleasant days I laugh and talk to God but the constant thing is that I ALWAYS TALK TO GOD


To catch up on my life journey from way back and make you understand the journey thus far and remind you of where I am coming from, you can click on the ''Living Single'' label on this blog or just click here https://www.auntybimbo.com/search/label/LivingSingle 

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